Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Helpless
Helpless
I don't wanna believe it's true. I don't wanna believe I'll be the one left with nothing. I don't wanna believe you've been lying to me all along.
I knew the truth since Day 1, but I told myself to believe and trust you. My instincts were telling me otherwise, but I shrugged them off. Now the truth has came back to haunt me again, I can't give myself anymore reasons to protect you from the negative truths. Now it's Day 108, what should I do to protect myself? What should I do to curb myself from falling deeper? What should I do to tell myself you're not worth all I'm giving?
I really can't do it, it hurts very much to know the truth already. Now I have to allow myself to face the consequences. With so many trees out there, how come I only want this particular tree.. How come I have to face such karma on my own, how come there's no other person to go through this shit.
I hate myself for giving so much, I hate myself for giving you a chance to hurt me, I hate myself for having to go through this shit when I thought I wouldn't have to go through it one more time.
How much I want to go back to the sweet past, not knowing anything at all. I'd rather I knew nothing than to know it all now. Because it simply hurts so much. What I want is not a confrontation, not an explanation, but you to belong to me one and only now. I can't pretend I know nothing, cause emotions don't lie. I can't pretend to stay all happy and cheerful around you when I think that you have some other girl in your arms. I can't pretend to enjoy what I have now before you eventually leave me. I've sunk too deep. Now there's no one around to lend a helping hand.
All that talk about working hard for our future; studying hard, working hard and to keep our relationship going. All bullshit. You've never ever thought of giving me an official status, never ever thought of my feelings, only thought of having the best of both worlds. All those previous promises, they were all done to keep me from finding out the truth. Now it all makes sense, constant reminders not to love you, constant reminders not to allow myself to fall deeper into this love pit, constant reminders of this relationship akin to a roller coaster ride.
A player will always stay a player, I never expected this in return. Should I play along with your game until it all ends gradually? Should i declare you as the winner in the game and go back to my life without you? Or should I try to gain the upper hand in this game? Maybe it's time to turn the tables around at you. Give you a shot on how it feels to be in my shoes.
My weakness; I can't bear to see you hurt. I can't bear to break this relationship with you. I'd rather be hurt than not to let you know what I actually knew. How much tears I wanna tear just at the thought of you. But I have to keep up a strong front, at least when you're around.
I feel.. really.. really.. HELPLESS..
I knew the truth since Day 1, but I told myself to believe and trust you. My instincts were telling me otherwise, but I shrugged them off. Now the truth has came back to haunt me again, I can't give myself anymore reasons to protect you from the negative truths. Now it's Day 108, what should I do to protect myself? What should I do to curb myself from falling deeper? What should I do to tell myself you're not worth all I'm giving?
I really can't do it, it hurts very much to know the truth already. Now I have to allow myself to face the consequences. With so many trees out there, how come I only want this particular tree.. How come I have to face such karma on my own, how come there's no other person to go through this shit.
I hate myself for giving so much, I hate myself for giving you a chance to hurt me, I hate myself for having to go through this shit when I thought I wouldn't have to go through it one more time.
How much I want to go back to the sweet past, not knowing anything at all. I'd rather I knew nothing than to know it all now. Because it simply hurts so much. What I want is not a confrontation, not an explanation, but you to belong to me one and only now. I can't pretend I know nothing, cause emotions don't lie. I can't pretend to stay all happy and cheerful around you when I think that you have some other girl in your arms. I can't pretend to enjoy what I have now before you eventually leave me. I've sunk too deep. Now there's no one around to lend a helping hand.
All that talk about working hard for our future; studying hard, working hard and to keep our relationship going. All bullshit. You've never ever thought of giving me an official status, never ever thought of my feelings, only thought of having the best of both worlds. All those previous promises, they were all done to keep me from finding out the truth. Now it all makes sense, constant reminders not to love you, constant reminders not to allow myself to fall deeper into this love pit, constant reminders of this relationship akin to a roller coaster ride.
A player will always stay a player, I never expected this in return. Should I play along with your game until it all ends gradually? Should i declare you as the winner in the game and go back to my life without you? Or should I try to gain the upper hand in this game? Maybe it's time to turn the tables around at you. Give you a shot on how it feels to be in my shoes.
My weakness; I can't bear to see you hurt. I can't bear to break this relationship with you. I'd rather be hurt than not to let you know what I actually knew. How much tears I wanna tear just at the thought of you. But I have to keep up a strong front, at least when you're around.
I feel.. really.. really.. HELPLESS..
undermyskin ♥ , 10:43 AM.
Monday, July 06, 2009
老牛与嫩草
老牛与嫩草
Back from Bangkok! Really a month since i blogged. :X I think friends gonna complain already. Haha! Really very tired la, busy working, busy socialising, busy dating, busy supper-ing.. Not enough time to sleep! :X Ala~ Everyone's gonna blame it on me lor.
Anyway, that's not the point. Anyone whom wanna see my Bangkok photos can check it out on Facebook.
No new updates; but maybe on 男朋友 and work. 男朋友 dotes on me alot right now, very happy he finds time for me despite his busy schedule at work. He tries very hard to balance time between family, friends and me. (: Was also very relieved to hear that he's gonna try very hard to maintain this relationship we have, so that he can bring me home one day. Someday when he brings me home, I'll bring him home too. Not gonna let anyone say I keep changing boyfriends. -.- Hehe. Still, I cannot help but hold the hope that we're really gonna last. The shortest life span for our relationship would be bout 1 yr and 6 months I guess. I really wanna prolong it and that's why I'm doing so many things now to maintain and make it better. I'm very afraid of a final possiblity; BREAK-UP. I'm afraid he'll love me so much that we break up and am very afraid that he'll lose interest and not love me anymore that we break up. ARGH~ Headache la. :/
But that's how this quote came about: "Enjoy the present and not worry about the future, no matter what happens most importantly; keeping happy memories." (:
I guess it does help aid how I feel about my relationship. Thanks 老牛！Haha! That's what I call him and 嫩草；is what he calls me. :P
Been "entertaining" a lot of clients at work recently. So very tired, somehow it seems that sleeping at 11pm and waking at 7am is not enough. :/ I think I'm a pig lor, people only need 8 hours; I need at least 10 hours? :X
Shall update soon enough again. PROMISE. (:
Anyway, that's not the point. Anyone whom wanna see my Bangkok photos can check it out on Facebook.
No new updates; but maybe on 男朋友 and work. 男朋友 dotes on me alot right now, very happy he finds time for me despite his busy schedule at work. He tries very hard to balance time between family, friends and me. (: Was also very relieved to hear that he's gonna try very hard to maintain this relationship we have, so that he can bring me home one day. Someday when he brings me home, I'll bring him home too. Not gonna let anyone say I keep changing boyfriends. -.- Hehe. Still, I cannot help but hold the hope that we're really gonna last. The shortest life span for our relationship would be bout 1 yr and 6 months I guess. I really wanna prolong it and that's why I'm doing so many things now to maintain and make it better. I'm very afraid of a final possiblity; BREAK-UP. I'm afraid he'll love me so much that we break up and am very afraid that he'll lose interest and not love me anymore that we break up. ARGH~ Headache la. :/
But that's how this quote came about: "Enjoy the present and not worry about the future, no matter what happens most importantly; keeping happy memories." (:
I guess it does help aid how I feel about my relationship. Thanks 老牛！Haha! That's what I call him and 嫩草；is what he calls me. :P
Been "entertaining" a lot of clients at work recently. So very tired, somehow it seems that sleeping at 11pm and waking at 7am is not enough. :/ I think I'm a pig lor, people only need 8 hours; I need at least 10 hours? :X
Shall update soon enough again. PROMISE. (:
undermyskin ♥ , 8:34 AM.
