Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Helpless
Helpless
I don't wanna believe it's true. I don't wanna believe I'll be the one left with nothing. I don't wanna believe you've been lying to me all along.
I knew the truth since Day 1, but I told myself to believe and trust you. My instincts were telling me otherwise, but I shrugged them off. Now the truth has came back to haunt me again, I can't give myself anymore reasons to protect you from the negative truths. Now it's Day 108, what should I do to protect myself? What should I do to curb myself from falling deeper? What should I do to tell myself you're not worth all I'm giving?
I really can't do it, it hurts very much to know the truth already. Now I have to allow myself to face the consequences. With so many trees out there, how come I only want this particular tree.. How come I have to face such karma on my own, how come there's no other person to go through this shit.
I hate myself for giving so much, I hate myself for giving you a chance to hurt me, I hate myself for having to go through this shit when I thought I wouldn't have to go through it one more time.
How much I want to go back to the sweet past, not knowing anything at all. I'd rather I knew nothing than to know it all now. Because it simply hurts so much. What I want is not a confrontation, not an explanation, but you to belong to me one and only now. I can't pretend I know nothing, cause emotions don't lie. I can't pretend to stay all happy and cheerful around you when I think that you have some other girl in your arms. I can't pretend to enjoy what I have now before you eventually leave me. I've sunk too deep. Now there's no one around to lend a helping hand.
All that talk about working hard for our future; studying hard, working hard and to keep our relationship going. All bullshit. You've never ever thought of giving me an official status, never ever thought of my feelings, only thought of having the best of both worlds. All those previous promises, they were all done to keep me from finding out the truth. Now it all makes sense, constant reminders not to love you, constant reminders not to allow myself to fall deeper into this love pit, constant reminders of this relationship akin to a roller coaster ride.
A player will always stay a player, I never expected this in return. Should I play along with your game until it all ends gradually? Should i declare you as the winner in the game and go back to my life without you? Or should I try to gain the upper hand in this game? Maybe it's time to turn the tables around at you. Give you a shot on how it feels to be in my shoes.
My weakness; I can't bear to see you hurt. I can't bear to break this relationship with you. I'd rather be hurt than not to let you know what I actually knew. How much tears I wanna tear just at the thought of you. But I have to keep up a strong front, at least when you're around.
I feel.. really.. really.. HELPLESS..
I knew the truth since Day 1, but I told myself to believe and trust you. My instincts were telling me otherwise, but I shrugged them off. Now the truth has came back to haunt me again, I can't give myself anymore reasons to protect you from the negative truths. Now it's Day 108, what should I do to protect myself? What should I do to curb myself from falling deeper? What should I do to tell myself you're not worth all I'm giving?
I really can't do it, it hurts very much to know the truth already. Now I have to allow myself to face the consequences. With so many trees out there, how come I only want this particular tree.. How come I have to face such karma on my own, how come there's no other person to go through this shit.
I hate myself for giving so much, I hate myself for giving you a chance to hurt me, I hate myself for having to go through this shit when I thought I wouldn't have to go through it one more time.
How much I want to go back to the sweet past, not knowing anything at all. I'd rather I knew nothing than to know it all now. Because it simply hurts so much. What I want is not a confrontation, not an explanation, but you to belong to me one and only now. I can't pretend I know nothing, cause emotions don't lie. I can't pretend to stay all happy and cheerful around you when I think that you have some other girl in your arms. I can't pretend to enjoy what I have now before you eventually leave me. I've sunk too deep. Now there's no one around to lend a helping hand.
All that talk about working hard for our future; studying hard, working hard and to keep our relationship going. All bullshit. You've never ever thought of giving me an official status, never ever thought of my feelings, only thought of having the best of both worlds. All those previous promises, they were all done to keep me from finding out the truth. Now it all makes sense, constant reminders not to love you, constant reminders not to allow myself to fall deeper into this love pit, constant reminders of this relationship akin to a roller coaster ride.
A player will always stay a player, I never expected this in return. Should I play along with your game until it all ends gradually? Should i declare you as the winner in the game and go back to my life without you? Or should I try to gain the upper hand in this game? Maybe it's time to turn the tables around at you. Give you a shot on how it feels to be in my shoes.
My weakness; I can't bear to see you hurt. I can't bear to break this relationship with you. I'd rather be hurt than not to let you know what I actually knew. How much tears I wanna tear just at the thought of you. But I have to keep up a strong front, at least when you're around.
I feel.. really.. really.. HELPLESS..
undermyskin ♥ , 10:43 AM.
Monday, July 06, 2009
老牛与嫩草
老牛与嫩草
Back from Bangkok! Really a month since i blogged. :X I think friends gonna complain already. Haha! Really very tired la, busy working, busy socialising, busy dating, busy supper-ing.. Not enough time to sleep! :X Ala~ Everyone's gonna blame it on me lor.
Anyway, that's not the point. Anyone whom wanna see my Bangkok photos can check it out on Facebook.
No new updates; but maybe on 男朋友 and work. 男朋友 dotes on me alot right now, very happy he finds time for me despite his busy schedule at work. He tries very hard to balance time between family, friends and me. (: Was also very relieved to hear that he's gonna try very hard to maintain this relationship we have, so that he can bring me home one day. Someday when he brings me home, I'll bring him home too. Not gonna let anyone say I keep changing boyfriends. -.- Hehe. Still, I cannot help but hold the hope that we're really gonna last. The shortest life span for our relationship would be bout 1 yr and 6 months I guess. I really wanna prolong it and that's why I'm doing so many things now to maintain and make it better. I'm very afraid of a final possiblity; BREAK-UP. I'm afraid he'll love me so much that we break up and am very afraid that he'll lose interest and not love me anymore that we break up. ARGH~ Headache la. :/
But that's how this quote came about: "Enjoy the present and not worry about the future, no matter what happens most importantly; keeping happy memories." (:
I guess it does help aid how I feel about my relationship. Thanks 老牛！Haha! That's what I call him and 嫩草；is what he calls me. :P
Been "entertaining" a lot of clients at work recently. So very tired, somehow it seems that sleeping at 11pm and waking at 7am is not enough. :/ I think I'm a pig lor, people only need 8 hours; I need at least 10 hours? :X
Shall update soon enough again. PROMISE. (:
Anyway, that's not the point. Anyone whom wanna see my Bangkok photos can check it out on Facebook.
No new updates; but maybe on 男朋友 and work. 男朋友 dotes on me alot right now, very happy he finds time for me despite his busy schedule at work. He tries very hard to balance time between family, friends and me. (: Was also very relieved to hear that he's gonna try very hard to maintain this relationship we have, so that he can bring me home one day. Someday when he brings me home, I'll bring him home too. Not gonna let anyone say I keep changing boyfriends. -.- Hehe. Still, I cannot help but hold the hope that we're really gonna last. The shortest life span for our relationship would be bout 1 yr and 6 months I guess. I really wanna prolong it and that's why I'm doing so many things now to maintain and make it better. I'm very afraid of a final possiblity; BREAK-UP. I'm afraid he'll love me so much that we break up and am very afraid that he'll lose interest and not love me anymore that we break up. ARGH~ Headache la. :/
But that's how this quote came about: "Enjoy the present and not worry about the future, no matter what happens most importantly; keeping happy memories." (:
I guess it does help aid how I feel about my relationship. Thanks 老牛！Haha! That's what I call him and 嫩草；is what he calls me. :P
Been "entertaining" a lot of clients at work recently. So very tired, somehow it seems that sleeping at 11pm and waking at 7am is not enough. :/ I think I'm a pig lor, people only need 8 hours; I need at least 10 hours? :X
Shall update soon enough again. PROMISE. (:
undermyskin ♥ , 8:34 AM.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Bangkok'2009
Bangkok'2009
Booked online for tickets to Bangkok on 18th - 22nd! WEET-O-WEETS! (: Am gonna go with Rae, Bealson & Jonathan. It'll be a great trip I presume, despite reports on the news of how messy it is there now and how H1N1 virus is escalating there. :X All in all, just have to be careful. It's fated if I were to be quarantined when I reach Singapore.
Need a getaway trip. Out of Singapore, out of everything. Been feeling quite moody lately, as much as I appear excited and happy on the surface. Many things have not been going on well for me, feeling a bit low moraled. ):
Anyways, better pray hard my passport application gets in so that I can collect it earlier. If not I can really forget bout the getaway trip to Bangkok. :/ So worried! ): Time is running out..
男朋友 has been very busy with work lately, haven't had much time for me. We're meeting only once a week. But it's enough for now. I've much other stuff to be worried about. Been busy at work for the past 2 weeks as well. But it's sweet telling him news that I'll be flying off soon and looking at that classic worried look on his face. I could totally sense his reluctance. HAHAHA!
Been thinking a lot these few weeks also. ARGH. I want my brain to just shut down, give me a few months of peace before I start school. But it's quite impossible and I know it. Quite E-M-O now. Shall stop blogging.
Need a getaway trip. Out of Singapore, out of everything. Been feeling quite moody lately, as much as I appear excited and happy on the surface. Many things have not been going on well for me, feeling a bit low moraled. ):
Anyways, better pray hard my passport application gets in so that I can collect it earlier. If not I can really forget bout the getaway trip to Bangkok. :/ So worried! ): Time is running out..
男朋友 has been very busy with work lately, haven't had much time for me. We're meeting only once a week. But it's enough for now. I've much other stuff to be worried about. Been busy at work for the past 2 weeks as well. But it's sweet telling him news that I'll be flying off soon and looking at that classic worried look on his face. I could totally sense his reluctance. HAHAHA!
Been thinking a lot these few weeks also. ARGH. I want my brain to just shut down, give me a few months of peace before I start school. But it's quite impossible and I know it. Quite E-M-O now. Shall stop blogging.
undermyskin ♥ , 10:24 AM.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
US Bridal Guide
US Bridal Guide
Was intro-ed by YuTing this super duper Zodiac site;
Check it out: http://www.usbridalguide.com/special/chinesehoroscopes/Dragon.htm
Click on your zodiac and read carefully. It is quite accurate, not 100% of course.
Check it out: http://www.usbridalguide.com/special/chinesehoroscopes/Dragon.htm
Click on your zodiac and read carefully. It is quite accurate, not 100% of course.
undermyskin ♥ , 2:50 PM.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
3 Weeks Worth Of Updates
3 Weeks Worth Of Updates
It's time to update posts once again before it starts rotting and die.. Everyone will start complaining this and that. Tired of hearing the same old sick thing.
Many things happened in these 2 weeks. Went St. James almost every weekend. Hung out with the other 4 'OH' Queens. ^^ YuTing went to London. I slacked with bf almost everyday.
Well well, some updates; lazy to type so just check out the photos.
These are what I've gotten so far. Jamie hasn't sent me the remaining photos. :X
The following week went to Clarke Quay and Boat Quay. Was deciding to head home after dinner. But someone psycho-ed me to drink a little. Who knows, ended up drinking till about 4am before heading home. :X Cause I had a little cramps. :/ Silly me.
Saw Roy there. Quite a pleasant surprise. Haha!
Then the very next week I went to St. James again. Same group of people. Thought some were with there other half.
Namely; Celine & Nic, Celest & Kevin, Cedric & Fiona, Jamie & Me. HAHAHAHAAHAHAH! Lesbo partners! WOOT~
Photos photos again. I simply too lazy to introduce the characters. People who know me should recognise them luh. They're always mentioned in my blog. (:
Me & Patrick. His last day as a singer at The Boiler Room. )):
Did i mention i met Lucas Bitch there?! Coincidental please. :P
YuTing's finally back from London. We'll be able to meet up for dinner, drinks & slacks more now. Planning to go Taiwan. But what about my funds. )):
Many things happened in these 2 weeks. Went St. James almost every weekend. Hung out with the other 4 'OH' Queens. ^^ YuTing went to London. I slacked with bf almost everyday.
Well well, some updates; lazy to type so just check out the photos.
These are what I've gotten so far. Jamie hasn't sent me the remaining photos. :X
The following week went to Clarke Quay and Boat Quay. Was deciding to head home after dinner. But someone psycho-ed me to drink a little. Who knows, ended up drinking till about 4am before heading home. :X Cause I had a little cramps. :/ Silly me.
Saw Roy there. Quite a pleasant surprise. Haha!
Then the very next week I went to St. James again. Same group of people. Thought some were with there other half.
Namely; Celine & Nic, Celest & Kevin, Cedric & Fiona, Jamie & Me. HAHAHAHAAHAHAH! Lesbo partners! WOOT~
Photos photos again. I simply too lazy to introduce the characters. People who know me should recognise them luh. They're always mentioned in my blog. (:
Me & Patrick. His last day as a singer at The Boiler Room. )):
Did i mention i met Lucas Bitch there?! Coincidental please. :P
YuTing's finally back from London. We'll be able to meet up for dinner, drinks & slacks more now. Planning to go Taiwan. But what about my funds. )):
undermyskin ♥ , 11:51 AM.
Monday, May 04, 2009
Dickies' Backpack Doodle (White)
Dickies' Backpack Doodle (White)
As seen above is one of the latest editions by Dickies' bags. Presenting Dickies' Backpack Doodle (White) It's sold in US right now, but i'm trying to find it in Singapore. Anyone whom has contacts selling this product right now or are aware of any shops in Singapore selling it; please do keep me informed. Thank you very much! (:
undermyskin ♥ , 2:33 PM.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
The Boiler Room
The Boiler Room
Last friday brought sister JAMIE to meet JON & Co.
Had Hanabi at Odeon Towers with Calyn, Peter, Jonathan, Jamie & me. Food wasn't too bad. But given the price; I'd go for Kuishin-Bo's buffet anytime! Much more worth it; besides food is served HOTTT!! (: Not that the food wasn't hot, but not as hot can.. Frankly speaking, the rice served at Hanabi super duper delicious! Made me keep ordering rices. Haha!
Thereafter joined Jonathan's colleagues at EM Bar at River Valley. Didn't even know sucha place existed. :X I wonder is i sua ku or simply that place's not famous. I think it's the latter. LOL! Had some authentic whiskey. But the name of the alcohol wasn't heard of. (-.-")
After which; Jonathan, Peter, Andrew, Jamie & me headed to The Boiler Room at St. James. Clarence and Vivien went to Partyworld to sing. Kinda feeling guilty for leaving them alone, but no choice mah. Haha! They didn't wanna join us. We had fun that night. Stayed over at sis's place. Long time didn't go her place sort of miss all the times i had there. Anw, sis's mum was nice to buy me breakfast in the morning. (: THANKS MUMMY! Haha!
For photos; click this link!
Looking forward to meet the girls on Thursday night! Woo-Hoo! Friday night booked for KTV, mahjong & booze! Guys whom wanna meet gotta wait another week. :P
Had Hanabi at Odeon Towers with Calyn, Peter, Jonathan, Jamie & me. Food wasn't too bad. But given the price; I'd go for Kuishin-Bo's buffet anytime! Much more worth it; besides food is served HOTTT!! (: Not that the food wasn't hot, but not as hot can.. Frankly speaking, the rice served at Hanabi super duper delicious! Made me keep ordering rices. Haha!
Thereafter joined Jonathan's colleagues at EM Bar at River Valley. Didn't even know sucha place existed. :X I wonder is i sua ku or simply that place's not famous. I think it's the latter. LOL! Had some authentic whiskey. But the name of the alcohol wasn't heard of. (-.-")
After which; Jonathan, Peter, Andrew, Jamie & me headed to The Boiler Room at St. James. Clarence and Vivien went to Partyworld to sing. Kinda feeling guilty for leaving them alone, but no choice mah. Haha! They didn't wanna join us. We had fun that night. Stayed over at sis's place. Long time didn't go her place sort of miss all the times i had there. Anw, sis's mum was nice to buy me breakfast in the morning. (: THANKS MUMMY! Haha!
For photos; click this link!
Looking forward to meet the girls on Thursday night! Woo-Hoo! Friday night booked for KTV, mahjong & booze! Guys whom wanna meet gotta wait another week. :P
undermyskin ♥ , 8:35 AM.
